I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
