I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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