i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
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