It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
