Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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