i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
