Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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