I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
