Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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