are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
