The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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