how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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