My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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