I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
