Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
