i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
