Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
