my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
