My Higher Power is John Stamos
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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