Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
