we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just found puke in my bra..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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