I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
