Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
