My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
