last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
