Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
