i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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