I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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