i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
