she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
