Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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