I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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