Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
