So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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