Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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