Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
