its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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