Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
