Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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