fuck your aforementioned shoe
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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