that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
