wakey wakey hands off snakey
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
