can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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