I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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