I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
this is an emotional support booty call
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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