I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize