my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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