He asked to "fluff my boner.."
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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