i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
