i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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