what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
