when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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