I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
