you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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