I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
