he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize