no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
