If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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