I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
my shit smells like andre
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I still have a little drunk in my system
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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