Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
