so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
