I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
